An open letter to the Kit Kat bar people

[RazorFox]

Dear people that make the Kit Kat bar,

 

I am not sure which of the marketing geniuses in your advertising department concluded that the sound of people chewing food was a good central concept for a commercial, let alone a long-running series of commercials. I know it seems a natural connection to make. After all, soda companies frequently use the sound of liquid being poured or soda fizzing to sell their product, but unfortunately, this logic does not apply to food. I personally find the sounds produced by other people as they engage in the mastication phase of the digestive process to be among the most unpleasant of aural sensations that I can think of. Were I to attempt to quantify my disdain for such a sound in the form of a list of sounds I find unpleasant, it would be located somewhere between the lamenting wail of a mother witnessing her first born being devoured by wolves, and that crazy frog ringtone from a few years ago. This sound does not make me want to buy your candy bar. In fact, there is really very little that would make me want to buy your candy bar, as it is rather bland and there are infinitely more appealing alternatives offered by the vending machine in my building's parking garage, but I digress. These commercials are not only ineffective in their goal of enticing me, the viewer, to purchase your product, but are entirely counter-intuitive in that they achieve the opposite result, which is to inspire me, the viewer, to slam my head in a door repeatedly until comatose.

 

 

 

Please consider a more appealing advertising concept for your candy bar. If you need inspiration, I have included a list of ideas for commercials that I would find less intolerable, repulsive, and annoying than your current commercials:

 

 

 

- A still image of John Goodman's bare ass pressed against a glass window set to a dubstep remix of a cat being disemboweled

 

 

 

- Raw footage of Glenn Beck being very drunk

 

 

 

- Techno Hitler

 

 

 

- Grainy black and white autopsy footage

 

 

 

- A jingle written as the result of a collaboration between Rebecca Black and Insane Clown Posse

 

 

 

- A horse. Literally just a horse.

 

 

 

- Child pornography

 

 

 

- Straight up TV snow set to one of those creepy CIA numbers stations for 30 seconds

 

 

 

Really, just about anything you could possibly come up with is better than what you have now. You really have nowhere to go but up.

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

<REDACTED>

Edited October 7, 2016 by RazorFox

[Desereck Creeggan]

Dear Mr. Sinclair,

Suck a dick,

The people who make the Kit Kat bar.

[Esva]

Printed.....

Signed.....

Posted....

*Thumbs up*

[Crash Silverfall]

I read the title as "An open letter to the Kit Kristian"

[Cygna]

I thoroughly enjoyed this read.

Wasabi Flavored Kit-Kat

[Marcus Tinamou]

^

[Desereck Creeggan]

I like kit kat bars. Wasabi flavored kit kat bars, however, makes me want to puke (although a lot of people say it's pretty good... hmm). The only thing that could be worse is this:

Soy flavored Kit Kats.

[Jester Spearmann]