How to repel old people with music

[RazorFox]

The elderly can be quite a pain in the ass at times. They drive slowly, they have difficulty coping with changes in the world, they use checks to pay for minuscule purchases at the grocery store.

Have you ever been forced into interacting with old people and just wanted them to go away? Well now you can. The portability of music through MP3 players, computers, etc. makes it easy to get rid of old people, because breakthrough research has shown us that popular music actually has MASSIVE and PROFOUND PHYSICAL EFFECTS on the elderly.

But HOLD YOUR HORSES THERE, SCOOTER. Not just any music will do. There are many different types of music and each form of music has different effects. Some types of music, such as jazz, big band, opera, classical, easy listening, country, bluegrass, and gospel actually attract old people. These are obvious, however, so you'll probably have no trouble avoiding them.

Music possessing negative effects on old people are generally youth-oriented music, but they do not generally always have desirable effects on the elderly. In this guide, I will explain the effects of different genres of music on the elderly and how to use this to your advantage.

Hip hop/rap

Being that hip hop music is intrinsically linked to the black community, the race of the old person becomes an issue of consideration, along with gender. Old white ladies will generally become uncontrollably terrified at the sound of rap music (especially west coast gangsta or dirty south rap), and call the police immediately, fearing the theft of her collection of porcelain cat figurines by gang members. Old white men will become enraged and shout racial slurs and make a scene. If their white wives are nearby, they may be inspired to produce and use a firearm. Old black men will generally have the same reaction that old white men have to 80s-era heavy metal and simply rant about "damn kids," while black grandmas will get the fuck down and bust some fresh-ass moves. Black grandmas are maybe the only old people you wouldn't want to get rid of constantly.

Overall, hip hop seems like it would be a good universal old-people repellent, but as you can see, it is not.

Punk rock

Punk rock is surprisingly ineffective by itself. Simply played at a normal volume, it will cause elderly people to look at you with an expression somewhere between bewilderment and disgust. Played loudly, it will cause them to ask you to please turn it down. However, with supplemental behavior on your part, it can be extremely effective. Simply play your favorite punk band at full volume, jump up on the table, and shout "ANARCHY!" at the top of your lungs and any geriatrics within earshot will have a sort of primal instinct in their brains triggered wherein they suddenly fear the imminent collapse of society in a world they no longer understand, and they will scatter for as long as their fragile, osteoporitic bones will carry them.

Best if used in conjunction with a loud stereo system and a table.

Techno/Trance/Hardcore/Rave

This is possibly the worst choice, as any kind of electronic dance music other than house will confuse an old person's brain to the point that their body no longer regulates vital functions and they die within several minutes due to complete cardiac/respiratory shutdown. Gabber or speedcore will actually cause their brains to melt and dribble out of their ears.

Useful only for when you've accidentally played Dr. Dre in proximity to an old white grandpa and he is trying to shoot you.

Top 40

Mainstream pop music is made to appeal to everyone, and to an extent it is even agreeable to the elderly. Simply playing this music will not work. To maximize its effectiveness, you must play the videos that accompany the songs. These videos are generally laden with images of young people lacking clothing and gyrating in suggestive ways. Upon seeing this, a conservative old person will generally retreat to their rooms, sometimes for weeks on end, in order to send email upon email upon email to Congress complaining of the indecency today.

Good if you need a relatively long-term solution to old people, bad if there's only one computer in your house, because all the crowbars in the world cannot pry that laptop away from grandma after she's seen five minutes of MTV.

Emo

Do not attempt unless you want some crusty ex-Marine who fought in Iwo Jima to beat you silly with his cane. And he will.

House

An excellent choice. In spite of being easy to listen to, house music is so gay that the elderly cannot stand to be around it for more than a minute, because the awkward discomfort they feel around anything remotely gay becomes unbearable.

Death metal

Bar none, hands down, the best solution to old people. Death metal actually generates a subsonic field of Satanic messages which old people are simply incapable of entering. If music is played from a source near an old person, the Dark Powers themselves will safely teleport said old person to a location out of earshot automatically and they will not go within earshot of said music until it ceases. Whether they physically cannot or simply will not enter this sonic bubble is still being debated by top academic sources.

It's simple, straightforward, and works like a charm every time.

Also note that deathcore achieves these same ends just as easily.

Industrial metal

Industrial metal has similar effects to death metal, but has a shorter range. Unlike death metal, old people can physically be within earshot of it, but they exhibit signs of severe discomfort and fear. As such, they generally avoid the music by choice.

Effective enough for all intents and purposes.

Classic rock

A fucking magnet for aging baby-boomers, avoid at all costs.

[Kytec Switchblade]

Your analysis is astounding. Will have to take this to the next step and create a small can of mace with a large speaker instead of a nozzle that plays devil driver while holding the spray button.

[Agares Tretiak]

. . .

[RazorFox]

Your analysis is astounding. Will have to take this to the next step and create a small can of mace with a large speaker instead of a nozzle that plays devil driver while holding the spray button.

Industrial strength old-people repellent plays "A Divine Proclamation of Finishing the Present Existence" by Last Days of Humanity, which is actually powerful enough to repel people as young as 47.

I've tested this on my dad and he just disappears the second I hit play.

[Jester Spearmann]

Industrial strength old-people repellent plays "A Divine Proclamation of Finishing the Present Existence" by Last Days of Humanity, which is actually powerful enough to repel people as young as 47.

I've tested this on my dad and he just disappears the second I hit play.

LOL, what else works I wonder

[RazorFox]

It's also worth noting that Marilyn Manson's effect on the elderly is akin to a heavy dose of pure mescaline, producing severe hallucinations, convulsing, slipping into and out of comas, and heavy vomiting. Use with caution.

[Hunter Abrams]

I was listening to death metal at best buy and a old guy came up to me and said I was going to hell for listening to it. I responded with BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!

[Vinnie Lei]

Hahah, this is amazing Zrazor! Luckily I don't have much elderly in the neighbourhood.