Jokes

[ribena Homewood]

I guess I'll start.

Twenty Five things my mother taught me!

(Google'd)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY

'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM..

'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.

'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .

'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.

'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me crying!'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'

[RazorFox]

Q: Where does a king keep his armies?

A: In his sleevies!

[ribena Homewood]

THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

I demand moar. >:O

[RazorFox]

so a pirat walk in2 a bar n have a stearing wheele on his croch

n bartender say hey u got a steerign whjeel on ur crocth

n a pirat sayz arrrrr n it be drivign me nuts

[Agares Tretiak]

Q: What's long, brown, and floats in water?

A: A twig.

q: What's green and hangs off trees?

A: Giraffe boogers.

*This evening's jokes are thanks to Mrs. Potts 3rd grade class. Thank you, Steven, you are a comedic light upon the dark ages of humor.

[Hunter Abrams]

What did the blondes left leg say to the right?

Nothing they never met.

[Inoue Katsu]

Q What is blue and smells like red paint.

A Blue paint ..

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong

enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a

superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a

20 by 20 foot room

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too

late

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36

year old man says they can only do it in the movies

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it

does not leak - it explodes

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4

inches deep

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old

Super glue is forever

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't

walk on water

Pool filters do not like Jello

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show

they do

Always look in the oven before you turn it on

The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy

It will however make cats dizzy

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

Finally some things to ponder:

• When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
  
• If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
  
• If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
  
• If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
  
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  
• What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  
• Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?
  

[Hunter Abrams]

What do you call 2 guys standing infront of a window?

Curt & Rod

[Samia Perun]

A nun was taking a bath, and hears a knock at the door.

'Oh ill just ignore it' she says at first, but sure enough there is a second knock.

'Who is it?' she asks, and on hearing a reply of 'Its a blind man', she glances around hunting for her towel, being the charitable soul she is, unwilling to turn away a disabled person.

She sighs, and finally concedes that if he is blind, she can probably get away with just the small hand towel, and sure enough wraps it around her waist and heads downstairs to opent he door.

The man pauses for a second, before glancing up and saying 'Nice tits love, where shall I hang the blind?'

[Dascede]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,