You succeed in creating a compelling style of narrative, and the story is good. However, my one piece of advice would be to avoid generic names like "Jim" and "John". The use of very generic names like these jump off the page and don't seem to fit with the rest of the narrative. Create characters with normal yet unique and compelling names (meaning names that people actually have, but also names which are not generic short-story standards such as "Jim", "Bob", "Tom", or "John"). Otherwise, great job on setting up the right atmosphere.